this is hard to say

Letter 1.

this is hard to say : October 4, 2020

‍This is hard to say...

I don't like hearing the term "eating disorder". Maybe it's because allopathy has created a stigma around it and the patriarchy fed this stigma. Diet and fitness culture also fed it.

Maybe it's because I have ignored it's existence in my life for 29 years.

The truth is, I have disorded eating. {Disordered Eating} . . . I can deal with that term better.

‍

Tonight I read "You do not have to be thin or 'underweight' to be malnourished."

When I was in the hospital, day 2, my brother was the one to say "Chelsea, you are malnourished. Albumin is a marker for malnourishment. Did you tell your doctor?" My brother is a nurse, and a damn good one at that. He was advocating for me while I was in the hospital but wow was I in denial. I believed the doctor when he said "we can't find what's wrong with you but there must be an infection some where".

I arrived at the hospital completely depleted of potassium, iron, calcium and albumin with other imbalances. My kidneys were shutting down and my heart had been acting funny. I had nerve pain throughout my whole body, could hardly walk and was loosing the ability to move my body. My body was having an inflammation response and I had been fighting the highest fever I had ever had as an adult. I was in denial and waited to go to the ER because I kept thinking I would wake up feeling better. Instead of waking up better I would wake up 3-4 times in the night completely soaked through all the sheets and blankets and clothing after going to sleep freezing. I felt like I was dying and the reality was that I was dying. Death was literally knocking on my door.

When my doctor came back into my room I asked him about the malnourishment. "No, you don't look malnourished," he said as he grabbed his cheeks to communicate that my cheeks would tell him everything. That if I was malnourished my cheeks would be sunken in and it would be visible that I was starving.

I had been so close to death, in shock, delirious and feeling the worst I ever had in my life that I wasn't able to soak in the heaviness of his comment. Now, 5 months later, I feel the weight. I feel the pain for everyone struggling with disordered eating and in that moment in time I felt allopathy was a dead end and deeper tunnel into the disorder. And the truth is... it is a dead end for many.

If you, as the reader, walk away with any form of wisdom or understanding.. it is this:

EATING DISORDERS ARE COMPLICATED.

They are so deeply complicated. And each one has it's own complexities and nuances. Each day I wrap my head around another half centimeter of how much denial I have lived in. And fear. And I am not recovered.

But here I am. Facing it all head on.