you play the game well : may 21 2023

I haven’t been able to relate to what it’s like to be the receiver of narcissistic behaviors until now.
{I don’t want to say victim because I am working towards full responsibility of my life and event though that is true, I do also see that I was a victim of narcissism}
I was familiar with how this felt because I grew up with my birth mom who wasn’t well in many ways. She had addictions {I usually say she is an addict but right now this doesn’t feel right to say that}. I know that narcissism and addiction go hand in hand. Now saying this could be triggering but I’m not saying someone with addiction has the personality disorder {narcissism} but they fall into those traits due to the addiction. They could also have a personality disorder. But with a lot of people {I’ve experienced first hand} their narcissism goes away when they heal their addiction.

I do not believe that healing from an addiction means stopping the addiction. There’s a reason there is an addiction. And to be clear I think addictive behavior is a spectrum and in this letter I’m mostly referring to substance abuse.

…

..::.. about him ..::.. and us ..::..

I remember you from Lucidity. We locked eyes on numerous occasions and my energy was drawn to yours but looking back we weren’t ready to interact. Knowing what I know now, you were high out of your mind and I simply was not.

I met you through friends. My best friends. Friends I trust and love and share the highs and lows with. They said you were great but didn’t know you that well.

The charm was instant and it felt like we fell into a vortex together right away. I saw some red flags right away but I chose to ignore them and follow the feeling I had. I now know that I had more to work through with having the mother I did and we were merely trauma bonding.

Your charm and humor was infectious. When you were on, the charisma was the most attractive thing.

I wasn’t sure our meeting would turn into something but it did instantly. Within a month it felt like I had spent years with you. It felt like we connected deeply and I believed you when you said you were on a healing journey. I knew you had serious substance abuse issues including an attempt at suicide that was actually more than an attempt but modern medicine can be stronger than death for some. You knew how to talk to game of healing from the couple years you went to therapy. I knew you didn’t have your life together and that you had no idea what you were doing next. Which actually isn’t a quality I like at all. But I believed you. I felt connected with you and you showed me this intelligent deeper side of you that you wanted me to see. You were creative, talented and so charming.

You tricked me in a way I haven’t been tricked yet… player.

Some time passes and we have a conflict. I remember it clearly and like most conflicts in relationships, it was quite dumb. I am sensitive and you were in a mood and got short with me. It then turned into a conflict. For the record, I don’t think it’s cool or loving to take moods out on people but I also know that it happens but we have the opportunity to take responsibility.
I clearly remember telling you it felt like you were taking your mood out on me and you were sure and certain that you weren’t doing anything wrong and that I shouldn’t take it personally. You loved to say “it’s a you problem”.
Somewhere in these exchanging words I said “I feel gaslit from this conversation” and before I could say anything else you said “if that’s the case, then you should leave because that’s abuse.” We were in my house.
You told me to leave in my house.

I asked myself if I’m crazy over and over in my head. And from that moment I went blank and froze. I don’t even remember what you said after but you never took responsibility. You loved to hold the mic when in conflict and talk until my ears couldn’t listen anymore.

You were a genius at making me believe you took responsibility over things through manipulative speech. And the amount of times you told me I was manipulative is rather disgusting. I know I have work to do but I also now know that I was dealing with narcissism.

It is hands down the most confusing, lost, lonely and painful aftermath.

…

The substance abuse started kicking in some months later..

You kept me awake for a few nights in a row while I was running my business and working a side job and keeping up with life while you sit around, smoke weed, don’t work and don’t really help with day to day things. I brought up the lack of sleep with you and turns out, it was my fault! It’s my fault that you were struggling with PTSD and I should stay awake with you.
I find myself to be a very compassionate, empathetic person, but I have no desire to be a codependent soother for another human. We have the capacity and ability to get help because there are so many tools out there. I didn’t want to abandon you but I was faced with the need for rest to not loose the things happening in my life.

The 3rd or 4th night I was sleep deprived {I need a lot of rest} and you were drinking and entering into another PTSD episode. I brought up some ways to change the scene and wind down but you were certain the only thing that would help was to go tag things with paint and you needed me to go with you. I was too tired. I reiterated what I was capable of but you weren’t having it. I went to bed, you went and tagged. I remember you went to bed around 5am reeking of alcohol. I keep a stock of alcohol mostly for herbal purposes but I also have some really nice alcohol from a honey farm that I save for special occasions. You cleared right through all of my alcohol and left a minimal amount left of the honey products. It was 3 or 4pm when you woke up and you were mad at me. MAD AT ME. Mad at me for not being there and going tagging because that was what you needed. My needs did not matter once. I even remember telling you that your actions were selfish and you said “ya they are because I’m healing”.

I still didn’t wake up to what was happening. The charm and the side of you I adored had spun me into your web too deep for me to crawl out. I now also know that I was comfortable in this environment from my childhood which has been a really HARD thing to hold space for.

The drinking was a downhill slope. You go out a couple times and buy xanax and start taking it again and I don’t know. You’re being secretive but also telling me you’ve only ever been honest with me. Then you go out one night till 4am and decide driving drunk {and on substances} is a good idea because you’ve already done it a ton before and still haven’t learned your lesson. I’m mad at you about it but you say you don’t feel safe {bc I’m mad} and that you have to drive. So you drive drunk to where you live an hour away. I remember thinking I didn’t know you. A few days pass and I come visit you to hang out and you’re not ready when I get there, you’re irritated that I don’t have all day bc I have to work later and you’re not acting like you usually do. You seem so off and agitated. You can’t remember anything…
More than a week goes by and you finally fess up to being so strung out on xanax and alcohol that you almost kill yourself again for the entire week. But you’re done now. You’re going to get better. Xanax is a no for you. You’re going to start your healing journey. I should believe you.

and i did.

The person you showed me when you wanted to be well was the person I adored. I was officially in your abuse cycle.

A couple more months pass where you’re still singing the “I’m focusing on healing” song and then you go dark. You leave, are unreachable, are disconnected and gone. You can’t keep plans and the plans we do make you’re late for but I’m not allowed to be mad or upset bc you at least made it. You made that more than clear to me.

Multiple mutual friends apologize to me for introducing us, for not saying something, for not warning me. In fact, they’re still apologizing. And I feel like a dumbass. It was all there in front of me.

You come back but you’re not well so you leave a few weeks later. Then you don’t come back and our relationship turns grey. You say a lot of back and forth things. Telling me that you want to be with me but can’t because you’re not well and you need to get well alone. You tell me that you need to be alone for 6mos to a year and that it’s not me. You tell me you know you need to move on your own and learn to take care of yourself and have your own things before getting involved romantically with anyone because you still haven’t done that.

Three months later you’re dating someone I work on a project with. It’s April 2023. Someone I introduced you to. Someone I never felt I could trust for more reasons than flirting with you. I confront you because I’m absolutely confused, unresolved and realize this is crossing a boundary for me. You yell at me on the phone and you’ve never yelled at me. You tell me we broke up bc we weren’t a match completely diminishing the issues you had. You say “we connected, hung out for a month and I left” dismissing the length of time we spent together. You then say “I’ve had 6mos to be alone and process” when we’ve only been broken up for 3 months. I then realize I’m dealing with someone who was checked out the whole time I knew them. I watched you smoke weed around the clock but you never acted like a high person so I let it slide. I’m ashamed of choosing you. As much as a lesson you were, I’m ashamed.

You tell me “it’s a small town!” But don’t choose someone I work with. You then say “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you to be professional towards her, don’t bring this drama to her”. I now know that confronting you was a dead end. See, the thing with narcissism is that it’s NEVER them. It’s always you. It’s a terrible abuse loop that will always leave you feeling like you are the one that's the problem and asking yourself if you’re crazy.

Later that evening you had some form of repentance because you text me saying you weren’t in the right head space earlier and that you really are here to talk if I need. I now know that you aren’t though. And until you actually face yourself and heal, you won’t be. I now know that you are repeating the cycle with 2 other women now that you did with me. Chasing your highs. You decided to move into a house that my friends live in who are also, equally as dumbfounded by you.

A couple days pass and you text me again to repeat that you’re there if I ever want to talk. I then see you and you get the few remaining items that were at my house and you reiterate that you’re there for me if I want to talk. You then tell me to not be a stranger. I say “I haven’t been, you left and dropped off”. You immediately say “I don’t want to get into ‘you did this’ and ‘you did that’ just don’t be a stranger”. I’m dumbfounded but smarter this time.

I’ve been unpacking all of this for the past 4ish months trying to make sense of why I entered into this relationship, why I stayed, and how to not be in this position again. I’ve since worked with a shaman to release him and my mom. To release the ties to addictive behavior and being in those spaces. In the shamanic journey you were connected to a chain around my neck stating how I was your high and if you’re going down, I’m going down with you. I won’t go into all the details of how we released him but the vibration of seeking the high was low and depressing.

The truth is that I do have love for you. And I’m also deeply sad for you. I want you to find happiness, I want you to find something outside of ‘high’. I want you to be out of pain and trauma. But I can’t do that for you and I refuse to be in the line of your narcissistic abuse.

I have to accept that I was and that I chose you. But I choose you no more. Never again. I now know better. I now have a marker for what it feels like to be the recipient. I want to add that I have my stuff too. I’m not great in conflict {working on it} and I’m incredibly sensitive which is challenging for others. In this relationship I constantly thought and felt things like “It’s okay that he did that because I was passive aggressive earlier and that’s terrible” or other like thoughts.

Narcissism can turn you upside down and make you believe that you are the problem.

Abuse is not always obvious.

My goal is not to throw anyone under the bus and I know some of you know who this is about. This is my story, my project and my alchemy. I do not think or believe this person is a terrible person or intending to hurt others. But he is deeply unwell mentally and physically and hurting people hurt people.

The first night I met you I said I love snakes referring to your snake tattoo and you said “don’t get bit”.

They always tell you who they are.

Here’s a great article I found on narcissistic abuse, getting help and understanding it: here.