you play the game well : may 21 2023

I haven’t been able to relate to what it’s like to be the receiver of narcissistic behaviors until now.
{I don’t want to say victim because I am working towards full responsibility of my life and even though that is true, I do also see that I was a victim of narcissism}
I was familiar with how this felt because I grew up with my birth mom who wasn’t well in many ways. She had addictions {I usually say she is an addict but right now this doesn’t feel right to say that}. I know that narcissism and addiction can go hand in hand {behaviorally, they are similar}. Now saying this could be triggering but I’m not saying someone with addiction has the personality disorder {narcissism} but they fall into those traits due to the addiction. They could also have a personality disorder. But with a lot of people {I’ve experienced first hand} their narcissism goes away when they heal their addiction.

I do not believe that healing from an addiction means stopping the addiction. There’s a reason there is an addiction. And to be clear I think addictive behavior is a spectrum and in this letter I’m mostly referring to substance abuse.

…

..::.. about him ..::.. and us ..::..

I remember you from Lucidity 2021. We locked eyes on numerous occasions and my energy was drawn to yours but looking back we weren’t ready to interact. Knowing what I know now, you were high out of your mind and I simply was not.

I met you through friends. My best friends. Friends I trust, love and share the highs and lows with. They said you were great but didn’t know you that well.

The charm was instant and it felt like we fell into a vortex together right away. I saw the red flags right away but I chose to ignore them and follow the feeling I had. I now know that I had more to work through with having the mother I did and we were merely trauma bonding.

Your charm and humor was infectious. When you were on, the charisma was the most attractive thing.

I wasn’t sure our meeting would turn into something but it did instantly. You knew how to talk to game of healing from the couple years you went to therapy. I knew you didn’t have your life together and that you had no idea what you were doing next. Which actually isn’t a quality I like at all. But I believed you. I felt {trauma} connected with you and you showed me this intelligent deeper side of you that you wanted me to see. You were creative, talented and so charming.

You tricked me in a way I haven’t been tricked yet… player.

I remember the first conflict clearly and like most conflicts in relationships, it was quite dumb. I am sensitive and you were in a mood and had been short with me more than once. It then turned into a conflict.
I clearly remember telling you it felt like you were taking your mood out on me and you were sure and certain that you weren’t doing anything wrong and that I shouldn’t take it personally {all while at my house during one of my work from home days}. You loved to say “it’s a YOU problem”.
Somewhere in these exchanging words I said “I feel gaslit from this conversation” and before I could say anything else you said “if that’s the case, then you should leave because that’s abuse.” We were in my house.
You told me to leave in my house.

I asked myself if I’m crazy over and over in my head. And from that moment I went blank and froze. I don’t even remember what you said after but you never took responsibility. You loved to hold the mic when in conflict and talk until my ears couldn’t listen anymore.

You were a genius at making me believe you took responsibility over things through manipulative speech. And the amount of times you told me I was manipulative is rather disgusting. I know I have work to do but I also now know that I was dealing with narcissism.

It is hands down the most confusing, lost, lonely and painful aftermath.

…

The substance abuse started kicking in some months later..

I still didn’t wake up to what was happening. The charm and the side of you I adored had spun me into your web too deep for me to crawl out. I now also know that I was comfortable in this environment from my childhood which has been a really HARD thing to hold space for.

The drinking was a downhill slope.
More than a week goes by and you finally fess up to being so strung out on xanax and alcohol that you almost kill yourself again for the entire week. But you’re done now. You’re going to get better. Xanax is a no for you. You’re going to start your healing journey. I should believe you.

and I did.. just like I believed my mom. I was replaying my childhood.

The person you showed me when you wanted to be well was the person I adored. I was officially in your abuse cycle.

Multiple mutual friends apologize to me for introducing us, for not saying something, for not warning me. In fact, they’re still apologizing. And I feel like a dumbass. It was all there in front of me.

I’ve been unpacking all of this trying to make sense of why I entered into this relationship, why I stayed, and how to not be in this position again. I’ve since worked with a shaman to release him and my mom. To release the ties to addictive behavior and being in those spaces. In the shamanic journey you were connected to a chain around my neck stating how I was your high and if you’re going down, I’m going down with you. I won’t go into all the details of how we released him but the vibration of seeking the high was low and depressing.

I see now that this was the last loop of breaking free from this part of my childhood. I see how crucial it is to accept that this was part of my journey to really see what I hadn’t worked out yet… healed from

Narcissism can turn you upside down and make you believe that you are the problem.

Abuse is not always obvious.

My goal is not to throw anyone under the bus and I know some of you know who this is about. This is my story, my project and my alchemy. I do not think or believe this person is a terrible person or intending to hurt others. But people who are in these situations can be deeply unwell mentally and physically and hurting people hurt people.

The first night I met you I said I love snakes referring to your snake tattoo and you said “don’t get bit”.

They always tell you who they are.

I share these stories because it’s stories that were shared with me that changed my life, opened my eyes and gave me hope.

Here’s a great article I found on narcissistic abuse, getting help and understanding it: here.