my backpack of shame : january 21, 2021

I've been carrying around this backpack that's about as heavy as a 5 day backpacking trip in the Sierras. Only this backpack doesn't have food, clothes, sleeping bag or a tent. It's carrying shame and probably some guilt mixed with uncertainty.

I never knew shame was so heavy. I knew we live in a guilt/shame society and I've been easing into learning more about it through Brene Brown + other "greats" as well as my own experiences. I know what it feels like and became familiar with this feeling at a very young age.

I'm ashamed about my eating disorder. It's not simple, it's not black and white and it's not easy to accept. I've somehow managed to stuff my backpack with every word I've heard around body image, how to eat, how to move, what constitutes as healthy and more. Being an athlete and raised by sports and the gym, I quickly learned what body image is. I learned how not to look before I passed basic math class.

‍I was born in Huntington Beach, CA and when I was a teenager my mom moved me to a tiny rich town in Washington. From a young age I was worried about my body but it didn't consume me. I was so busy running around at the beach, skateboarding, swimming and being a kid. My issues existed but they weren't crippling yet. It wasn't until we moved to Washington where I really began to struggle. I was the new kid, the kid from California that didn't have rain clothes and wore surf clothes. For whatever reason, it wasn't cool to them and if it was, I sure didn't hear about it. I had never been more aware and self consious in my life than during this transition.

This is when my backpack really started to become heavy. And now.. years later, as a 36 year old, I still remember those initial feelings of walking into a new school in the middle of the year heartbroken about leaving Huntington Beach.

‍Admitting that I have an eating disorder has felt so similar to those first days in a new school, a new town and a new state. To the small handful of people I've shared that I have an eating disorder with, the minority of this handful has had compassionate responses. The majority had an undertone of judgement as well as confusion. It's not their fault and I'm not placing any form of blame or reciprocated judgement. We are uneducated as a society on many things but definitely on eating disorders. Most people believe that there is Anorexia and Bulimia and you fall into those two categories. Beyond that belief they think it revolves around fat phobia and food when in reality it almost has nothing to do with that.

Now I didn't want to go too far into why we have eating disorders in this post but I did want to address shame and it's attachment {or rooting} to eating disorders. Struggling with an eating disorder is dangerous and deserves as much help and attention that anxiety, depression and other issues receive. My brain knows that I should not be ashamed of this but my body responds differently because of how drenched this society is on how we should eat and look. We all just want to feel safe in our body to then feel safe in the world and wow, does this manifest differently for us all.

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"Dear Fitness Instructors:
Please stop telling us to "earn" this, or "burn off" that.
Fat shaming and food shaming doesn't "motivate" people, it just makes your spaces feel unsafe."
- Dr. Colleen Reichmann @drcolleenreichmann www.colleenreichmann.com