peace in loss : march 21, 2021

Cold bones, yeah, that's my love
She hides away, like a ghost

Ooh, does she know that we bleed the same?
Ooh, don't wanna cry but I break that way

Cold sheets, oh, where's my love?
I am searching high, I'm searching low in the night

Ooh, does she know that we bleed the same?
Ooh, don't wanna cry but I break that way

Did she run away? Did she run away? I don't know
If she ran away, if she ran away, come back home
Just come home

I got a fear, oh, in my blood
She was carried up into the clouds high above

Ooh, if you bled, I bleed the same
Ooh, if you're scared, I'm on my way

Did you run away? Did you run away? I don't need to know
But if you ran away, if you ran away, come back home
Just come home.

"Where's My Love" - Brian Fennel for SYML

"I wrote it on a stereotypical Seattle day. It was very rainy and I didn’t necessarily feel lonely, but I realised I have this full life. I started wondering: what if I didn’t have anything? What if it was all taken from me?
A lot of people have experienced loss and if that happens to you, I think it should be your goal to find peace in letting go of things you can’t control. And eventually try to find the beauty in it."

---Brian Fennel  

The moment I heard this song it dripped into the depths of my bones. I had been experiencing the same ache that crawled through each note I heard. I felt I was in a forest of grief with no light except for one bright pinhole shining on me through the leaves as I listened. I felt understood ... maybe even not so alone. It wasn't necessarily that my grief trumped any one elses; especially as I contemplate 2020 and the loss we all shared. It was that I felt my strength slipping, my ability to care enough to work it out. I wore apathy like a cloak and the moments in between were filled with breathtaking sadness.

From a young age I saw the difference between someone who is happy experiencing hardship and someone who struggles with depression experiencing hardship. Although there's a wide grey area here, I knew that happy people tended to have a more positive outcome and as much as I knew that, I fell into the depressive side.

As I navigate this current space I'm in I finally feel as though I grasp the analogy of a butterfly with transformation. I've had many transformations in the 37 years I've opened my eyes, small and large, but nothing like I've experienced this year. It has happened the most naturally and challenging way.. It was as though I had been asked to step into the cocoon or off the edge of the cliff. I somehow stumbled into the cocoon and no longer knew the person I once was. I find that I am still in the cocoon, but further along. I'm not as mashed up but starting to take shape and still heavily coated with confusion.

There's been more moments than not that I look down or in a mirror and find myself getting to know this person all over again. And I can assure you that two opposing things exist at the same time. I know the depths of the cracks within and nothing... all in one moment. I feel immense love and joy while experiencing heartache. And I continue to work at finding the peace and beauty amongst the dust.