wake up, run 6 miles on empty, repeat : july 21, 2021

I remember some of the worst moments of my disorder; between the ages of 18-21. I was working at Trader Joe's and working through an apprenticeship at a tattoo shop. My days were FULL. I would work the morning shift at Trader Joes, and by morning I mean 4-5am, then I would go straight to the tattoo shop to be a mop slave and take in all the harassment that flew around me.

I became more obsessed with exercise and more controlled with food than ever. Now looking back, the stress of my days and harassment from the tattoo shop were feeding my need to obsess and control. I started going to a new gym and immediately a trainer offered me some free sessions. At the time I thought "I can't pass up the option to work with a trainer, that's an amazing opportunity." He created a meal plan and work out that restricted me to 1200 calories a day and no more ever, and two gym sessions 5 days a week.

I was far from large. I was actually long and boney at this age. And how many calories was I burning running around working 12 hours a day already?!

At the time I truly did not know how many caliories I needed or anyone needed. Diet culture bought into the restriction.

I was starving. So starving. I would tell the trainer "I'm so hungry at work in the morning after 3 hours of unloading produce but I don't know what I can and can't eat because I still have the rest of the day to get through." He would reply with "have a cup of coffee and a bar".

Why did I believe him? Why had I turned my back on my body that was giving me clear signals? These questions plague me but I also know the answers. Women are taught this from every angle while also being passively and aggressively taught that we don't own our own bodies. Some have great parents that do their best to counteract the outside pressure but a lot of us don't. I sure didn't.

I was killing myself and this next part I'm going to share deeply pains me and can also be shocking for the reader.

...

I started to get horrible nose bleeds at work in the morning. Who knew if I was even drinking enough water. I remember relying on coffee to "stave off hunger" because that's what diet culture and trainers told me. My nose bleeds were so bad that I couldn't stop them and one morning I passed out. The Captain at the Trader Joe's I was working at was an incredibly caring guy and he sat with me to get me to a doctor saying "somethings not right for you to be getting these nose bleeds and passing out". So I went to the doctor and you know what they did? They cauterized my nose. They didn't ask me why I might be getting them or anything around my lifestyle. They just burned both sides and sent me on my way.

Now I want to note that my body and life is my full responsibility but I am at the same time, very disappointed in this incident with that doctor.

What we know now is that someone dies from an eating disorder every 6 minutes. Read that again.

We deeply need to update the education and DSM around eating disorders and educate everyone. The statistics for how many struggle with EDs are astronomical and it's absud there isn't more education around it. There are a lot of great people educating on their platforms but more is needed. Knowing the signs of an eating disorder can change someone's life and this is why I write. This is why I share my story.