27 years in secret. and denial : august 17, 2021

At times I feel like I got away with the biggest secret of my life. I did get away with it. I was so unaware of my experience of reality compared to other's. I truly thought everyone felt as I did.

I went 27ish years with an eating disorder and it was never brought up. I showed all the signs at varying times. I never once spoke up. I didn't know I needed to.

It wasn't anyone elses responsibility to notice but I wonder if they did notice. And now I grapple with if I should speak up when I see the signs in others. Are they ready to hear it? Will they even hear it? I don't know but the me now wishes someone had said something sooner.

Eating disorders are not black and white. It's not just anorexia or bulimia. Western labels are doing a MASSIVE disservice to us in many categories and I hope we can all start to meet people where they are rather the labels we've been taught. I didn't have classic anorexia or bulemia. I had trauma that I physically and emotionally could not cope with mixed with a parent that punished me with food and didn't cook or have food around.

Throughout my younger years up until high school when I got a job, I wouldn't eat for 8 or 9 hours at a time. It wasn't even because I chose not to, I wasn't sent to school with food or money. After school I had sports practice and then would go to the gym as my babysitter. It wasn't until evening that I was able to come home and dinner was not cooked. Not eating became my normal.

I remember the pain I would feel at school watching other kids with the ability to buy whatever lunch they could or bring a lunch with all these snacks that I had never experienced. The emptiness in my body filled with jealousy and envy. And I never spoke up.

The one time I had spoken up about something traumatic that happened in my childhood in a writing class; my mom found it and I had gotten in so much trouble I had feared ever speaking up again. My mom carried a heavy bag of shame and I learned to do the same.

Emotions need a place to go. Stuffing them isn't actually possible. Ignoing them maybe but they always find a way to come out. Whether it's yelling at your animal, friend or partner; or even road rage. Emotions find a place to exit. An eating disorder gave me a place to put emotions for a long time. Stepping through recovery has been one of the most emotional times of my life and I know it's not over.

Recovery is possible even when you can't see it or believe it. I know because I've been there.