without dutch : august 29, 2021

I just took my first trip alone. Without Dutch.

I went camping some months ago with a different dog I was fostering but it was more of a distraction than a trip away.

I went into the mountains and it was really lovely but also terribly painful. I felt the absence of Dutch constantly. I saw him in the corner of my eyes. The more I leaned into the quiet pine trees and the stillness the mountans provide, the more I seemed to feel the ache of a dog I once had. I saw him every time I closed my eyes. I had set the intention to get out of hte busy-ness of town, leave work behind me and enjoy nature. I really didn't expect grief to crawl back up.

Grief is non linear.

The initial grief islike the aftermath of an explosion; eerily surreal, confusing and consumed by loss. It's also a heavy dose of self pity. I wanted to be dead too but not by way of making that happen for myself, I just needed the grief pumping my blood to end. Or take a break. Time doesn't exist or make sense. You close your eyes and wake up in the same existence. Neighbors go to work, cars drive by, the sun rises and sets but the watch is somehow stopped. Hearing is shut off except the sound of grief oozing out. Talking is near unbearable due to the energy reserve draining.

Grief is the deepest, isolating event as well as the most shared response humanity will experience as a whole. Thanks to the depth of love. If we really love, it's an endless well.

Most of the time I feel I'm past that stage. I still have moments of lost air in my lungs and a hole in my heart. The moments I see him and feel him trigger that jolt of pain as much as it triggers the happiness I shared with him.

I remember his happiness. The way he loved and felt people. How he acted empathetically and never turned down an adventure or play. How he was always 100% attentive to me.

I continue to believe his soul was sent to mine. His life as well as the loss of him has taught me tremendously. It has also given me a perspective on one of the greatest initiations.... Death.